This episode has everything; Doug’s fantasies dissolve in a pathetic reality, and Doug’s reality couldn’t possibly have happened. So lets get to it…

This episode is about Doug joining the Bluffscouts, also called the Tendertoes a couple of times. Doug’s anxiety comes from being the new scout and having no badges. Everyone else has badges, and this makes Doug feel insecure because they probably all had badges when they joined too. That’s how things work right? Surely everyone will look down on him because he didn’t come with merit badges like they did.

So anyway, Scout Leader Dink tells all of the scouts to pair off, go into the woods, and find an item that best represents the woods. The pair that finds the best object gets merit badges. Doug immediately fantasizes winning and getting his first badge…

Yes, this is from his fantasy where he is being awarded his first badge. All those other badge-like things on his sash? Those are something else. Probably just syrup stains from breakfast or something.

Well, before Doug can ask Skeeter if he wants to pair up, Roger steps in and tells Dink and all the Bluffscouts that he’d be more than happy to show Doug the ropes. Knowing their past, everyone should know this is just Roger taking the opportunity to torment Doug’s fragile mind. First he goes through his bag to find a new flag to hang on the flagpole in the middle of the goddamn woods.

Then he leaves Doug to set up camp by himself, coming back only to criticize him for not getting the fire wood yet. Before Doug takes off to get fire wood, Roger plants the seeds of terrible fantasy. He tells Doug about all the crazy animals, mutants, and punching trees in the forest. Uh oh! Doug walks 10 feet, right into a terrifying delusion…

A tree grabs him…

…then tries to punch him…

…then green blob monsters try to sit on his shoes…

…and another tree grabs him…

…and the branch that tries to attack him, while he feebly tries to brush it away, dissolves into a rope…

…which turns into Roger and his buddies laughing at Doug because “he thinks it’s a snake! HAHAHAHAHA!” Congratulations, Roger. You’ve just taken advantage of a mentally ill person for your own amusement. Again. Not cool, dude.

So Roger wants to win the merit badges by finding arrow heads. In trying to find them, they come across a harmless green snake.

It can do other tricks too. Everything else the snake does is far less impressive than writing “hi” in cursive on the ground. But it can stand up on Doug’s command…

Doug is Harry Potter, apparently. The snake slithers its way up onto Doug’s shoulder and gives him snake kisses.

Snake kisses tickle.

Then we find out Roger has a phobia of snakes. He disappears and we don’t see him again until Doug accidentally meets up with the group later. That doesn’t mean Doug doesn’t fantasize about revealing Roger’s phobia to the group and making them laugh at him for a change.

He asks Porkchop and Mr. Scaley (oh, did I forget to mention the naming of the snake? Yeah. Doug asks the snake if it had a name. It shook its head no, and Doug asked if it liked the name Mr. Scaley. It squeeked (you know, like a snake squeekes when it is happy) and nodded in approval) what he should do and gets the typical dumb animal response…

How would they know, Doug?

Blah blah blah, Doug gets back to the group, shows the snake, saves Roger from embarrassment, and wins his first merit badge. The snake reveals one final trick…

Jumping through perfectly thrown, donut sized hoops. Doug says his goodbye to Mr. Scaley, who makes him promise he’ll come visit (he never does though), before he slithers off in tears.

Here’s more evidence of Roger’s raging case of rickets.

And now I must address the actions of the snake. Well, they’re simply ludicrous aren’t they? Only a delusional person would think a wild animal such as a snake would say hi (let alone spell it out on the ground), do tricks on command, agree to a name, cry tears, or even pretend to respond to the grunting sounds of that young ape that just wandered into its territory. This is far more troubling than Doug’s relationship with Porkchop. Many people pretend to have conversations with their dogs (though most don’t pretend it is as complicated as Doug and Porkchop’s relationship), but every sane person knows that this type of behavior with wild animals is dangerously insane. It starts with, “oh it’s just a friendly snake” and ends with a friendly bear ripping your guts out and feeding your ass to her cubs. It’s only a matter of time before Doug’s delusions invites trouble onto all of the other Bluffscouts. They need to have a badge for being able to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, and then get a psychologist to help Doug earn it.

Attention everybody! Tomorrow everyone will have their pictures taken for photo-swap day!

Look at the joy on their faces. Skeeter is my favorite. I appreciate seeing Roger this happy too, but Skeeter really looks like he’s in a commercial for heaven. Doug’s happiness is confusing because he immediately asks Skeeter what photo-swap day is. Look how happy he is. He just heard he’s getting his picture taken for something that he is going to fret about the entire episode. Here’s a nice shot of Skeeter explaining photo-swap day. There’s no need for it here, I just like the angle and think it’s a surprisingly cool shot for a show like this.

The whole idea of photo-swap day is appealing to Doug simply because he wants a picture of Patti. Skeeter says her pictures are hard to get because everyone wants one. So naturally Doug imagines that she gives all of her pictures to him while everyone begs her for one. She remarks that he’ll have one for every day of the year, which begs the question…why does Doug think Patti would think he’d need 365 copies of the same photo? He clearly thinks she thinks he’s so pathetic that he would ruin a copy a day from all the possible uses an 11 year old boy could have for a photo of his crush.

Anyway, Doug, Skeeter and Porkchop go pick up Skeeter’s little brother Dale from his day care. Look at him there. Cute little blue kid in a huge purple sweater. You might remember he keeps saying “yum yum eat em up” because the Valentines watch a shitload of old Little Rascals. Dale is the cause of Doug’s problems this time around. Upon first meeting Doug, Dale (Skeeter very recently remarked that Dale hasn’t spoken an entire sentence yet) points at Doug and says, “big nose!” And with the innocent remarks of a child that cannot yet form sentences, Doug is spun for such an emotional loop that it literally knocks him to the ground.

Devastating.

This episode contains the usual taunts from Roger Rickets that don’t need to be detailed here. Some trigger Doug’s fantasies like normal, but most of the time it’s just calling him names like Pinocchio or Schnoz or some stupid bullshit.

One of Doug’s fantasies starts as he’s worrying about how long he’s had such a big nose, and why no one ever told him. He thinks maybe he’s always had a huge nose and it has been absolutely terrifying his entire life. He imagines being pushed along in a stroller, and two cliche women start going baby crazy because women can’t resist looking at babies, until they pull back his blanket and see the horror hidden within…

The women run away screaming in horror.

Taking a page right out of the Jack Bandit book from the Doug Gets Busted episode, Doug wears something ridiculous to school to try to make his nose look smaller.

Only a crazy person would dress like this. “My nose is big, but if I make absolutely everything else about my appearance completely ridiculous, no one will notice my nose.” In the bathroom, he realizes this won’t work, takes it off, and decides he won’t have his picture taken.

So Doug has a few more fantasies before he relents and gets his picture taken. First, he imagines his nose keeps growing, which causes him great embarrassment at his graduation…

Then he imagines giving his picture to Patti, and absurdity occurs…

The nose in his picture literally punches her in the chin, then she runs off screaming about how his nose poked her eye out. Call an ambulance!

While admiring his nose in the reflection on a window, Doug begins to see the people that have taunted his nose…

Dale and Roger, of course, actually taunted him. Here Patti taunts him about something that happened in a fantasy. The imaginary reflections disappear to reveal that Patti is actually standing there trying to get his attention. After a bunch of stupid dialog, she convinces Doug his nose gives him “true character” and to get his picture taken.

So his picture comes out great. Photo-swap day comes. Roger calls Skeeter “skeet-face.” Doug gives Patti a photo. Patti gives Doug a photo. And all that drama occurred in Doug’s mind because a child that can barely talk pointed out a feature in his face that he had never even considered before. Sane? No.